My Hubby Is…

 

I’ve been struggling.  It’s been a tough fall.  Transition for me is always tough; I’ve learned to adapt in a lot of cases, but this fall… I dunno. It’s been hard.  And I knew it was coming.  I was expecting it.  I knew mid-summer that my dh was going to have a new job come September.

 

I am a student of biblical submission.  (You’ll see the connection eventually, I hope.)  I read books on the topic often.  One book that I read years ago is Created To Be His Helpmeet by Debi Pearl.  It changed my marriage.  I was not surprised by that; most of the books that I read on the topic affect my marriage for the better.

 

Today I was not a very good helpmeet and my dh was not a very good leader and protector.  We had a HUGE fight.  But things are good now.  Sometimes a marriage just needs that reset button, kwim?

 

Through our troubles today, I learned something, something I should have known and seen.

 

Debi Pearl talks about three very general categories of men – Mr. Command, Mr. Visionary and Mr. Steady.  When I read her book years ago, I came away with the belief that my husband was a Mr. Visionary (gifted, inventors, artists, lovers of confrontation, starter of projects but never a finisher) with a side of Mr. Command.  Today I realized that my husband is almost 100% Mr. Command.

 

Here is a little something I wrote up, based on a portion of Chapter 8 in Mrs. Pearl’s book, the Mr. Command portion.

 

1. My DH often ends up in positions where he commands or directs others.  There are times when my DH will come home from the fire hall (either after practice or after a call) and tell how he got the ball rolling, how even though this person or that was “in charge” it was him who got the team moving in the right direction.
2. My DH is (on the surface) deficit in gentleness.  He has the biggest heart under all his gruffness.  He has all sorts of “tactics” to hide his gentleness – humor and teasing, and sarcasm are just some examples.
3. My DH is a born leader.  I wish he saw this more and accepted the role he’s been given.
4. My DH will do more than is required – at work, and other places too.  This isn’t evident right now.  He’s hurting and run-down.  He’s putting out all he can and although he wants to do more, he is great at recognizing when he’s tapped out.
5. My DH expects his wife to wait on him hand and foot much of the time.  He claims to want to take care of himself, because he sees how busy I am with all our little ones.  One thing he almost NEVER does for himself is make his own coffee, or mine.
6. My DH does not want his wife involved in anything that would prevent her from serving him.  I think this is the BIGGEST thing, especially right now.  If he’s home, he wants me home.  If he’s at work and it’s possible for me to be there with him (which it often is) he would love for his family to be there with him.  He is totally okay with my friends and activities happening at my home, but really struggles with me being away from home and therefore unavailable to him.
7. My DH has little tolerance and will just walk away from a situation that is frustrating to him.
8. My DH is not quick to share personal feelings – “good” or “bad”.  I have learned to listen for these and to find them hidden in what he does say.  I’m not very good at it though.  lol.
9. My DH expects his wife to be on call every minute of every day.  He wants to know where she is, what she is doing and why.  This one goes hand in hand with number 6.
10. My DH is often leading people whether they want him to and whether HE wants to or not.  It is his nature to direct people.
11. My DH sees the big picture and strives to help the largest number possible.  He expects his wife to remember the little details about people and places and things.  This is one of the things I’ve been fighting against lately.  I wanted to make him do these things and remember these things himself.
12. My DH will not take out the trash (a funny example story the author tells about her own Mr. Command) but he will command and direct others to do so.  My DH won’t do the dishes either, but he knows how it should be done and is very quick to direct the completion of the job.
13. My DH is always talking about his plans, ideas and finished (or unfinished) projects.  I tire of this so quickly because I never seen any progress, especially on my house!  I want a KITCHEN!  I need my roof FINISHED!!!
14. My DH is is objective, unemotional (most of the time) and HATES small talk.  This particular item causes people to think my DH is rude and unfriendly, I think.  I think that sometimes.
15. My DH is at a loss when dealing with the sick, the helpless and the dying.  This is most evident with his fire fighting.  He is SOOOO thankful for the fire chaplain to deal with the people – whether it's the victim or the victim’s family.  When he’s on scene, he’s there to do a job and get it done, and that doesn’t involve talking to or about or with anybody not under his “command”.

 

I hesitate to post this to my blog.  I feel this post has a negative slant or tint to it.  I am really struggling with who my DH is.  I guess I’m just being honest with my readers and with myself.

 

I think many Mr. Command’s are misunderstood.  I know my Mr. Command is in many situations.  I am guilty of misunderstanding him on a regular basis.

 

Tonight I am choosing to turn his “negative” traits into positives – to see the positives in each one of those tough things above.  I am choosing to work with WHO he IS, and not who I thought he was, or who I want want him to be.  Mrs. Pearl talks about how hard and yet how rewarding being the wife of a Mr. Command can be.  There has been times in our marriage that I have seen the reward, after working through the hard times.  I am working toward seeing those rewards again.

 

As I said to my friend today, even just knowing and understanding who my dh is and some of his general tendencies, just reading those few paragraphs, helps me get a grasp on how to make my marriage work.  Understanding who he is helps to make the transitions (when we are both out of sorts, and so are all the kids) easier; it will make everything move smoothly.

 

I’m not going to change who I am; I don’t believe that I really can.  I’m not going to put my needs and wants and personality in a can and tromp on it.  And I won’t let him do that either.  I don’t believe it that.  What I do believe in is treating each other with respect and care.  Reading Created To Be His Helpmeet and re-reading this section has helped me to know how best to show my DH the respect and care that he needs.

 

It’s a journey – this thing called marriage.

 

Striving to learn and live God's purposes,