I am 13 weeks pregnant.. This pregnancy was a surprize; we were / are emotionally and mentally done. I didn’t want to have any more pregnancies … anymore babies. I wanted to move on to the next stage of life. I wanted to start to enjoy my older children more – teaching, guiding, doing fun “grown up” kid stuff.
I have really enjoyed the last two babies, despite the fearfulness that lasted the whole of Matthias’ pregnancy. This first year and a half of his life has been such a joy. He and Rayna are such great little people. (Not saying the older children weren’t / aren’t, but all of us have enjoyed them!)
I thought that after 7 weeks (found out I was pregnant around 6 weeks) that I would have gotten control of this feeling. I figured that I’d be okay with being pregnant by now, but I can’t say that I am, not totally anyway.
Would I be devastated if this baby died now, before she is born? (We don’t know gender, but Rayna is positive it is a girl, maybe even twin girls.) Of course, I would be extremely upset! But it doesn’t change the fact that I am not emotionally or mentally prepared for this pregnancy or the coming baby.
When this baby arrives, I will love and care for her. I will raise her, see to her education, and be her mom, just as I am to the other children with whom I have been entrusted. But I’d really like to feel some (more) excitement about this baby throughout the rest of this pregnancy. I wouldn’t say I’m stressed about it. I’ve accepted that this is God’s will, that He has chosen to bless us again. I think “resigned to the fact” is too strong of a phrase, but at the same time, it is not terribly far from the truth.
I know I have a friend or two that will say, “well, give the baby to me. I will love her.” But I never could do that! This is MY baby; I want to keep her! I trust that I will come around to the idea, and enjoy this pregnancy more as time progresses. (Maybe when I feel sick less often!)
What a bundle of mixed emotions I am!!
Striving to learn and live God's purposes, 
6 comments:
at least you're aware of your feelings and not afraid to admit them. xoxo
I am sorry .This must be an awful way to feel. I have tried to conceive fir nearly a decade. I can't imagine feelings of ambivilance over a pregnancy. Let alone mentioning "if she were to die..." You may want to talk to your Dr about these feelings. i don't think this is healthy...but what do I know
sorry i didn't use spell check above..
Dear Anonymous. Thank you for your comments. I am so sorry that you have not been able to conceive. Babies and children are WONDERFUL blessings. And you are right, it is an awful feeling to feel the way I do.
I have lost a baby due to birth complications. The reason I mention and think and type out "if she were to die" is because for me, that is a real possibility. It has happened. And it is a pain that hurts even now, seven years later.
I have spoken with my midwife about this and will do so again.
Thanks again, for your comment.
LaDonna.
Ladonna,
I usually don't check back, but I was thinking about you..We have been Blessed 3 times through domestic infant adoption. I hope a fourth time this year:) I am so sorry about your loss of your baby. When you read blogs like this you only get a snip it in time. It's really like reading a journal.Only it's a page at a time...unless you have hrs to back track:)
I hope I did not offend you. I can see now it makes sense. I will continue to pray for you!
Liz
Thank you, Liz, for responding. You are right about only reading a page of a journal at a time. :) I am not offended. I understand that not all my readers know my whole story. I am just hoping that some how my feeling regarding this pregnancy can help someone who might be feeling the same, feel a little bit normal or to know that they can get help, that it's okay to talk about. I was not intending to hurt anyone else and I am sorry if that has happened.
LaDonna
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