I want to go go heaven. I really can't wait. But. My job here isn't done.
I can't think or sing about heaven without tears coming to my eyes. There was a time when I wished to die. Not that I would take my own life, but just that my time here was done. But then. I'd come to my senses; or rather one of the little darlings God blessed me with would walk in the room and I'd cry all over again, thinking of them growing up without their mama.
I can't think or sing about heaven without thinking of my little boy sitting at the feet of our Lord Jesus. I think of him playing in a golden sandbox and walking along the streets with family members gone on before us. Family such as my grandmother, Glenn or my mom's sister, the aunt I never got to meet, or Aunt Esther's little one. I'm so glad that my little guy has family, earthly family there. I cry and I think that I want to be with my little boy to get to know him and love him in a different way than I do now. I think, I wanna go to heaven.
Which is quickly followed by. . .
But I don't wanna go now.
I don't wanna go now, because I have too many ties here. Too many little ones who need me, who need their mama. I don't wanna go now because my dh needs me to help him be the man God wants him to be. My job is not done. Oh I know, when my time comes, they'll get by without me, that God will be their strength and their provision, just as He has been mine. See, the thing is, that my little guy, up there visiting with Jesus and others, he's safe. He's happy. These little blessings I have around me they need me to love them and heal their hurts and teach them life skills. Little Harvey doesn't need that.
As I sat in church this morning, singing with the congregation victory and praise songs, songs that spoke of heaven and of Jesus triumphantly rising again, I cried and I smiled. My little one is safe, with an amazing God and the little ones around me are safe too. God provides for us all. He provided heaven and He provided me.
1 comment:
The pain of losing a child is real to me now as I see it through your eyes. As I feel it from your heart. God has blessed us with the gift of children. We only have them for a short time. We don't know that time frame but as long as we know that they are His and they are only on loan to us we can truly allow them to live. At my house in particular we have an abundance of angels working over time to keep one of my blessings safe. They do an awesome job.
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