I'm done. Overwhelmed. Sad. I can't handle this. I'm running on very little sleep. I need a break. I need a break from life. I'm frustrated. I don't even know where to start to tell you what's going on? It's emotion. It's BLAH!! Blah blah! :(
I'm just bummed. J's bummed.
Usually I'm not so depressing on my blog, but it's my blog. And I'm venting. Here.
I said in another post that J is writing. He's hoping to work through his grief that he's never really dealt with. How do you deal with the loss of a newborn baby? J has always been hands on with our labor and deliveries and Harvey's was no different. In fact it was J and our midwife that got Harvey's heart beating again after he was birthed. J and I made all the decisions concerning Harvey's life and death and treatment together, but I know that he bears / takes on a lot of the load and the responsibility.
How do you deal with the grief? What is there to talk about? What do you say to someone who would even be willing to listen? Especially this many years later (5). He doesn't want someone to say or do anything for him. Just wants someone to know how he feels, and so he decided to write.
J's mad. He worked really hard to keep his job. What a lot of people don't understand is that he wasn't fired and he wasn't laid off. His job was posted within days of him being terminated. The issue - she (the CAO) didn't like him. So they threw some money at the situation and got him out of there. His ego took a big kick in the head. How mean! How unjust! In this economic situation (perceived or otherwise), there are not many jobs out there to be had. So we've lived on his severance, we've applied for parental leave. Money's tight right now; today especially, but we've been here before and we're just waiting on some cheques.
So, really in the whole scheme of things, how does what J feels affect me? Well, it does. A lot. You know the saying, "If momma ain't happy, ain't no body happy"? Well, Daddy ain't happy. And he's here most of every day. So, I'm not handling his mood well.
Some how I knew March went too well. It didn't go great but it was our best March yet. And today, April. April's started out pretty poorly.
Baby R decided to stay up until after 3 last night. That doesn't help because being tired blows everything out of proportion. So I took a nap. I don't know that it helped. She just cries and fusses. She isn't even happy when she's up. She doesn't want to nurse; she doesn't want to play. She won't sleep alone during the day, but wants to be held. But even now, as she sits in her swing and screams, she doesn't want to be held either. It makes no difference what I do. No, it's not constant and she is consolable. She's just so very frustrating. It's a good thing she's super cute.
Meals suck. Mainly because groceries are down to very little.
And as I sit here and type and kinda ignore my family doing their thing in the background, I think of little Stellan (very close in age to Baby R) and his family. And my issues are so insignificant in comparison. And yet, this is my life and this is my pain. This is my deal right now. And like Stellan's mom, I say, I KNOW God is with us in this and through this. I just wish life didn't have to be THIS.
Why can't our life and world just plug along? Why can't we just stay at one job for the rest of DH's working days? Heck, give us more than 14 months at one job! :(
And then I think about easter coming up. Easter is supposed to be a time of celebration. Celebrating the resurrection of our Lord and Savior. I'm not celebrating. I don't even feel like it. We have no family close by. No one to have a meal with and share this special time of year with. That's the biggest/ one of the only thing(s) that we LOVED when we lived with DH's family. Family, for special holidays. Yes, I know we have church family, but they have families too. We could take in another family for a meal, but . . . . sigh.
I'm just bummed. Nevermind me. Everything feels like crap right now. Someone could tell me the happiest news and I would be happy for them. For a moment, before burying my head in my sorrows again.
I'd love to list some blessings, but I don't feel up to it.
Maybe tonight I'll try to Count My Blessings (Instead Of Sheep) because I'm sure, true to form, Baby R will be up well into the night.
3 comments:
Okay, I read the other post first and had a joke with you. I apologize. I see from this post that you are up late for a reason. I will pray now for the Lord to gently lead you as he promises to do for those with young.
You know He is with you, if you trust in Him He will never leave or forsake you.
I mentioned previously the loss of my first son. It took me 16 years before I wrote his story down and I found that was a great healer for me. I will never let his memory go but since I wrote it all down I don't feel like I have to dwell on it any more. I can just go to his album if I need to relive or reminise.
You and your hubby will benefit from writing your emotions down.
Above all. God is Sovereign!
No child you have can replace the one the Lord has already taken but they need you. This is one of the blessings you can count. Being loved and needed!!!
Ruby
I'm sorry to hear you are having difficulties right now. It is hard when everything seems to happen at once and sleep deprivation joins the party. I have spent years thinking I'm depressed and am now finally beginning to realize I might just be extremely sleep deprived. It makes a huge difference. My condolences on the loss of Harvey. My two closest friends both lost babies and I see their strength and don't know how they do it. I am actually considering focusing on counseling women and especially women with pregnancy loss and fertility issues. It just seems like no one wants to talk about it. Have you looked into MISS or Share? I hope your spring starts springing soon.
I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your baby. Because we had such a premature baby and he almost died, we got to know many other families who lost babies. And then I had four miscarriages. So my heart goes out to both of you. Parents never get over the loss of a child. I'm sorry life is so hard right now (I realize I'm behind the curve ball because you posted this last week). Hope things look up for your family soon.
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