A Little About Today - March 14th.

Today my first born son, Harvey, would have turned 6.  Harvey is our third child.  He was born on this day in 2004.  He died and returned to heaven on March 26th, 2004.

My dh and I grief very differently.  He likes to pretend that today isn't the day that it really is.  He doesn't like to think about or talk about today being Harvey's birthday.  He just wants today to be today - a normal day in any week, in any month, in any year.  And yet, he knows that today is his first son's birthday.  But I wonder if I didn't say anything, if he would really remember, if he would really know.

I want to remember today every year for the rest of my life.  To this point, Harvey's labor and delivery were my toughest.  I was in labor for 24 hours.  Looking back, I guess that could have been a sign that something was wrong, but it was only my second labor.  (The doctor wouldn't let me go into labor with CJ because she was footling breech.)  So, I love to spend each March 14th in a special way.

2005 - we were living in Ontario, near J's parents.  I do not remember Harvey's first birthday.  The whole year is kind of a fog actually.

2006 - We had moved back to Alberta.  I had met some new and reconnected with some old friends.  We had a birthday party.  There were 7 children in attendance and four mothers (including me and my children).  We just had birthday cake and a visit.

2007 - I don't remember what we did this year and that makes me sad.  I believe that we had a little party - just cake and some close friends.

2008 - We had just moved to a new community and I was just beginning to get to know people.  My newest and at that time my closest friend and I had lunch together with my kids and we had birthday cake.

2009 - Last year was special.  My best friend from high school brought her children down (three hours of driving one way) for a visit.  She came for birthday cake and to spend the afternoon with us.  This dear friend also went above and beyond what I ever imagined at the time of Harvey's life and death.  Some days, thinking back, I don't know what I would have done without her support.

Every single one of these years, Harvey's birthday fell on a day when J was away at work.  My planning something special for that day was never an issue between J and I.  He gave me the freedom and funds to go ahead and plan something small as a celebration and remembrance of our son's life.  And because he was away, he was free to not think about the day  that it was at all.

This year, 2010, was different (or we thought it was going to be).  I had initially planned to do something with our friends Seven and Tammy-Lee.  Sledding.  But then as the snow melted away we changed that to swimming.  Well, then we realized that J was going to be home and he wanted nothing to do with any activity planned on that day.  He said he would not be joining us and I could tell he did not really want me to be off doing something either.

I was BUMMED!  In tears.  Miserable.

Well, then my brother called and said he and his fiancee planned to visit March 14th for the day.  So I cancelled all plans.  I said that it was all good.  We'd stay home and spend time with my brother and future sister-in-law.  We would have a great day and I was really okay with this new plan and kind of even excited about it.

Then come Saturday night.  J got a call - could you please give us a day or two of work?  we really need someone to fill in.  We figured that would be a good thing.  My brother was still planning on coming to see us.  I decided I wouldn't go to church and we'd just visit with them.  Then a little later, a text from my brother - we aren't able to make it.  I'm so sorry.  I decided to be okay with it.  We'd still stay home from church and just have a day at home.  But I was sad.

I woke up this morning with a heavy heart.  I had no one to comfort me and to be with me.  J had left in the night to get to work on time.  Even if it meant being late (time change and all) we were going to church.  I needed the support of my church family, even if they didn't know that was the reason I was there.

So I got everyone ready.  And we weren't late.  (Thank goodness for the time change and everything was running a little late.)  My children behaved through the whole service, and no one came back up from junior church.

I even saw a one week old baby of a friend of mine and I didn't even think, "Oh, why did she get to keep her baby boy and I didn't?"  I didn't think, "oh how I wish I could hold my son Harvey like she gets to hold her new baby boy!"  I was GENUINELY happy for her and for her family!!!  This is a first for me, dear readers!  I am healing!  It does get easier.  This dear mother of two boys even prayed with me outside as I cried, as I realized I was going home to an empty house with my brood of noisy children on this day, my first son's birthday.

I didn't go home.  I drove to where I knew Tammy-Lee was.  She knew instantly that I was not okay and said she'd be over as soon as she was free to leave.  Then I went to the Co-op and bought a birthday cake.  When Tammy-Lee arrived at my home I was making lunch and we made a plan.  We decided to go to the free family swim in a nearby community.

What a rush it ended up being.  First a quick stop at Wal-Mart as two of my children did not have swimming suits that fit!  Thankfully, they had money from recyclables to purchase their own!!!  Then quick to the pool to get there in time for the swim time to start.  We had so much fun.

We decided then to have supper together and eat birthday cake at Seven and Tammy-Lee's.  The kids play so well together and we had a very relaxed visit.  I brought my very tired children home, put them all to bed and have had a quiet evening alone (waiting for my dh to return home from work) to relate this hard but BEAUTIFUL day for all of my readers.

God is so good!  He is healing my heart.  He is healing my emptiness.  I have such wonderful blessings all around me.  My hardworking and loving husband.  My five beautiful children.  My amazingly helpful and supportive church family.  My family and friends who left messages at home and on Facebook with such love and support.

This has been a long hard six years.  There have been many many changes in our life.  I believe some of those changes were made harder by Harvey's life and death.  However, I also believe that Harvey's life and death made some of those changes easier.

Now I hear my husband has pulled in the yard.  I hear his loud little beater car.  So I will let you go.  Thanks for sticking with me through this very lengthy post.  I hope I may have helped someone by sharing the healing and love going on in my life right now.  And if you've never experienced such a loss, I hope that I have given you a little insight, that you might be understanding and loving to a friend or family member in a similar situation.


Striving to learn and live God's purposes,