Seven Years Ago Today

 

Over the course of a mother’s career, she experiences intense emotions on a regular basis.  Elation.  Happiness.  Joy.  Sadness.  Devastation.  Anger.  Rage.  Fear.  Horrification.  There are bumps and bruises.  Successes and accomplishments.  Firsts and seconds.  A world of fun and energy; sorrow and sickness.

 

Today I will share a little of the hurt that I have experienced.

 

After 24 hours of labor, I gave birth to our third child, a boy, in the presence of my husband, our midwife, our two girls and my aunt.  My first born son was born with no pulse and was not breathing.  The date was March 14, 2004, in the morning.

 

I remember snippets of that night and the morning.  I remember Jason doing CPR.  I remember ambulance attendance and the 911 call.  I remember the car breaking down on the way to the hospital.  I remember a kind stranger picking us up and taking us to the local ER were doctors were working on my baby son to keep him alive.  I remember naming him from behind a curtain because they kept calling him something stupid, like Baby Harris.  He needed a name.

 

I remember snippets of the next 10 days at the children’s hospital in the NICU.  Pumping and freezing my milk in hopes that one day he’d be well enough to eat it.  Eating in the cafeteria.  The nurse who was rude and the ones who let us hold him, even when Jason fell asleep rocking him in the chair.  I remember awkward silences when other came to visit.  I remember the room where the doctor told us (and we finally “got it”) that our son was not getting better, wouldn’t get better, that we needed to take him off the life support.

 

I remember knowing that we made good decisions, right decisions.

 

Was it only 7 years ago?  Has it been 7 years already?

 

Seven years ago today, I met my first born son, for the first time.

 

On March 24, 2004, we took our little man off life support and took him home to spend his last hours with his sisters.  On March 26, he took his  last breath, some time in the early morning hours.  And a new chapter of our lives began.  A chapter we never wanted to live.  Yet, here we are!

 

I know that grief will always be a part of my life, but I know that I am starting a new chapter.  My grief is so less intense.  I know I will still have days where the loss will hit me.  I know that I will still have moments when my sadness will overwhelm.  But this March, this time of year, this year has been the easiest yet!

 

Praise the Lord!

 

Striving to learn and live God's purposes,