What I Learned This Week.

I've learned / realized this week that the grief process, is a process. Grief can sneak up on you. It can surprise you. Also, grief doesn't come when you expect it. You can't force yourself to grieve. Everyone grieves differently too. I like to have my friends around on anniversary days. My dh wants life just to go on as if nothing happened; not that he wants to pretend it never happened, just doesn't want anyone to dwell openly on it.

I've heard it said that grief is a seven year process. (Click here for one forum I read. I've been thinking more and more about that seven year thing, but more on that another time.) When we were moving toward the month of March and my grief was overwhelming again, I told a friend that I didn't believe that it ever got easier, that it would never hurt less. However, I was wrong. Each anniversary of Harvey's birth and death does get easier to handle; easier to deal with the emotions.

When I was in college I studied grief and how children respond to loss. I studied Kubler-Ross' model. And now having gone through a loss I agree, mostly. The understanding I get is that once you get to acceptance, you are done! woohoo! right?

nope! wrong! Grief and mourning are more cyclical than that. I've learned that even though I've accepted the pain and hurt can and does come back; sometimes often. The stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I think that those items in that order are the initial responses to grief, but after you've reached that acceptance point it is very possible, likely even, to return to the stages of anger and depression. In my situation, I would seriously not be doing well if I returned to denial and bargaining. My son is dead; there's no denying it. Five years later, there is no bargaining for his life. But . . . I do get angry. I do get sad and depressed. Overall, there is acceptance and I am learning to filter the other feelings through that acceptance.

That's what I learned / re-learned this week. For more learning, check out Musings of a Housewife.