His position allows him the freedom to come and go, to spend the evening with friends unhindered by children, to be out into the wee hours of the morning. In the last week or so this has happened a lot! The week before, it didn't happen at all. But in my selfishness I see only the number of times he's been out this week. I feel alone and abandoned. I feel as if he gets to have all the fun.
He's not working right now and I think that compounds it. And yet, it should make it matter less. It's not as if he is gone working away from home all day and then going out all night too, every night. It's not like I don't get to see him. I get to see a lot of him and spend lots of time working together on the yard and house. Do I see this? No. I just see all the fun he gets to have without me.
The activities he's going to, are not exclusive activities either. He's meeting with others at backyard campfires, spouses and children welcome. So, why don't I take the kids and just get over it? Well, partly because we are finding out after the children are headed to bed. Partly because I don't wanna haul five kids out for a campfire every night of the week. Partly because my job continues whether we are in the house or out. And it is easier to parent at home than when we are out.
My arguments don't hold up, even under my own scrutiny. J is not going to activities that are exclusive. The things I want to go to ALONE are for women only. J and I have never actively attended things that are exclusive like that. We are big on activities that are for families or at very least, for couples.
BUT IT'S NOT FAIR! I want to go out alone too!!! I want to I want to I want to. And yet, do I? Really?? I don't. I want J along. I want to have fun with him. The kids, sometimes it's nice to take them along, but I'm okay leaving them with a sitter too. In fact, sometimes I need to leave them behind, to get renewed and refreshed.
BUT IT'S NOT FAIR! I have to sit at home all alone with a crying baby and a fussy toddler. He doesn't have to do that. But that's one of the crappy parts of being a mom too. And that's right; that's what I signed up for. And you know what, when those to little ones fall asleep, and J's still out, I very much enjoy blogging or surfing uninterrupted. When he's out, I don't have to feel like I'm stealing time from him to do "my thing" online.
J and I deal with this issue every once in a while. For a while it was all the time; I hated that he got to go out whenever he wanted. I hated that he got to go out to work and I was stuck at home. Now, I really do like to stay home. Most of the time. Now it's more like once or twice a year that this attitude, this jealousy rears it's ugly head. And it is ugly. It is mean and unacceptable.
The other side; J's responsibility. Was I being "neglected", forgot in the day to day, left out of his fun? He admits that he was not being as attentive as he could or should. And as you'll see next week (in my Date Night post) he is working on that. He's paying attention to my needs and my wants. He even made supper tonight and hung a load or two of laundry today.
J and I have a lot of give and take in our relationship. I really have nothing to complain about, nothing to be jealous of. J is a good man, a man who is learning and developing and growing to be the husband and father that God wants him to be.
What I'm learning is that communication with him is key to understanding him and developing our relationship to be deeper and better than it is now. If I communicate respectfully my needs, wants, desires he is open and receptive to those. And it goes the other way too; we are learning that together.
And so, right now, I am having a daily struggle with jealousy and not liking my job as much as I sometimes do.
Striving to learn and live God's purposes,
2 comments:
If he chooses to go to an activity, knowing you and the children will be staying home (yes, even if it is 100% your decision to stay home), that gives him fun & enjoyable kid free time.
Do you think he would be understanding of you wishing to have fun & enjoyable kid free time here and there? Perhaps once every couple of weeks or once a month, he'd be willing to stay home with the children and allow you to spend time with the ladies (like you do when he goes out?)
I know you said you want him along, but it might be refreshingly to step outside of home & family responsibilities once in awhile and recharge. A ladies Bibly study, which would only take an hour or so, may be one idea. :)
It is an ongoing conversation for sure. And we've talked about it more since I wrote this post.
Thanks, Christy, for your suggestions. And we have done something similar in the past; he'd keep our crew and the 3 extra I was babysitting at the time and I'd go to the gym 3 nights a week.
The issue we are running into is that he is on call 24/7 with the fire department. If we are out of town, of course he can't respond, but if he is here, than he needs to respond to a page.
But you are right in that, one night a month, he could be "off duty" with the department. It's a matter of discussion and communication and of working minds around new ideas.
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