Angry versus Joy

I am continuing to read Ann Voskamp’s book, One Thousand Gifts, and here is another paragraph that hit a little too close to home, a little too close to my reality.

Really? I lay my head on the table.  Do I really smother my own joy because I believe that anger achieves more than love? That Satan’s way is more powerful, more practical, more fulfilling in my daily life than Jesus’ way?  Why else get angry? Isn’t it because I think complaining, exasperation, resentment will pound me up into the full life I really want?  When I choose – and it is a choice – to crush joy with bitterness, am I not purposefully choosing to take the way of the Prince of Darkness?  Choosing the angry way of Lucifer because I think it is more effective – more expedient – than giving thanks?

~~Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts, p 126

 

Still diggin',

Is she reading my mind? Is she living my life?

“Funny, this.  Yesterday morning, the morning before, all these mornings, I wake to the discontent of life in my skin.  I wake to self-hatred.  To the wrestle to get it all done, the relentless anxiety that I am failing.  Always, the failing.  I yell at children, fester with bitterness, forget doctors appointments, lose library books, live selfishly, skip prayer, complain, go to bed too late, neglect cleaning the toilets.  I live tired.  Afraid.  Anxious.  Weary.  Years, I felt it in the veins, the pulsing of ruptured hopes.  Would I ever be enough, find enough, do enough? But this morning, I wake wildly wanting to live.  Physically feeling it in the veins trembling, the hard pant of the lungs, the seeing it in the steady stars, how much I really want to really live.  How I don’t want to die.” 

~~Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts, chapter 2.

Still diggin',

What If Your Best . . .What is God’s best for us

 

I used to find this song annoying when I heard it on the TV, until I listened to the words and got thinking about it a little a lot.

What if HIS best for us doesn’t look like we expect it to look like?

What If Your Best by FFH

I'm trying hard to keep from falling off this wheel
Trying hard to keep so still
As you’re shaping, and remaking
Something new is bound to surface
Something bound to bring you fame
Something sure to make you great
Something you can use
But I am only clay and clay doesn't get to choose

I want your best but what if your best is brokenness
Would I be broken?
I want your best but what if less than what I ask
And what I'm hoping?
What if your best is here in the waiting, here in the going thru the motions?
I'll still be trusting all I am, and all have, and nothing less to Potter's hands

I'm trying hard to keep from giving you advice
It’s like teaching Shakespeare how to write
Or Monet, the way to paint another scene
But there's just something in this amateur that thinks
That my opinion's what you need
On how to work in me
But I am only clay, and clay probably shouldn't speak

Chorus

Take my life and let it be consecrated just to thee
Take my voice and let me sing for you my King
Take my moments and my days and let them flow in ceaseless praise
For You always, for You

Chorus

Only here for you to mould, I'm holding on, because I belong in Potter's hands

---

The part that got me the most was this:

I want your best but what if less than what I ask And what I'm hoping?
What if your best is here in the waiting, here in the going thru the motions?

Maybe, just maybe, HIS best for me is “going through the motions”.  It is going through the day by day by day.  My life may be a lot of work.  My life may be a lot of dirty diapers and scrapes and bruises.  My life may be sticky fingers and runny noses.  On the days when my day to day to day takes over my JOY and my anger rides to the surface yet again, I try to remember that HE is in control and that HE wants the best for me.  I try to remember that I am the clay, being moulded into the person, the woman, the wife and mother that HE wants me to be; I will be HIS best for me, if I remember.

 

A close friend of mine and I were talking the other day.  She doesn’t often share lots from her past but the little snippets of her history that she shares always amaze me.  She came from a world of abuse and neglect.  I have nothing to compare the experiences to in my own life.  I see the woman she is today and I think to myself, “if God can change that woman . . . if God can show Himself through her . . . if she can show so much JOY and LOVE to those in her life after all the horrid things she experienced . . . if she can love herself, and be happy with who she is . . . if she can, then surely, I can!”  If God can do such a great work, and create such a beautiful person from those experiences, then surely, I can allow Him to work in me and do similar in my life and in my family.  Surely, I can be willing clay, in the Potter’s hands.

 

 

Still diggin',

My Anger

Every day I see my anger being mimicked by my children and it makes me sad.  They fight and bicker and holler at one another.  And I know it is because they see it in me and hear it from me.  I know where the change needs to start and it’s not with them.  I am the culprit.  I am the one that creates the emotional state in my house.

I had started Women Living Well’s Making Your Home a Haven challenge but did not complete it.  I am unsure why but the fact remains that my home is not a haven and I do not believe that doing that challenge would have changed anything.  It was just something else to do.  Something neat but that in order to be successful required work on my part.

I have said on other posts on this blog that God keeps putting this issue in my face and that I really do need to work on not being such an angry mama and wife.  Jason is even starting to respond to my anger by being more ill-tempered than usual.  And don’t think I am being harsh on myself.  This is the harsh reality.

There are TONNES of excuses.

I’m so tired!

I just cleaned up that mess.             

                  If they’d just do as they were told.

If they’d just hurry up.                       

If they were in public school, I could . . .

I haven’t eaten properly today.

It’s the baby blues; I must be depressed again.

If he would just nap in his bed.

If you wouldn’t sleep so much!

 

 

Trust me, I’ve used them all.  But they are excuses!

 

God is my strength and my salvation (Psalm 27:1).  I need to trust that He will provide the little things as well as the big things.  It’s so cliché to say, “Just have more faith.” But at the same time, isn’t God’s Word true?  His grace is sufficient(2 Cor. 12:9).  So, I’m claiming His Word as truth and I’m continuing on my journey to a less angry life. 

I have a great life.

I really always have

There is no reason for so much anger.

 

Still diggin',

Peace – Did it happen today?

Well, I would have to say that we had moments of peace. 

My Facebook status this evening:  I had hoped for a smoother day, but it wasn't absolutely terrible. I think the turn around was admitting I was the problem. :) At least the kids can go to sleep in a peaceful home tonight.

I didn’t light my candle to remind me to  pray for peace.  I didn’t even play music very much of today.  I started loosing it around lunch time.  Nothing major; I just started feeling the anger building first with  irritation and then some shouting.  Finally, I did just take the baby and went to my bed.  I got a few moments to snooze before my mother’s helper arrived.  Those few moments helped a lot.  Having the extra set of hands one afternoon a week is a lifesaver.  Hubby came back home from running some errands and we got a few moments to discuss how I was not doing well.  The rest of the evening went great.

Still diggin',

Is your home singing? We are playing music.

I am enjoying this challenge but I need to dig out some more candles!

Assignments so far:

• First is to light a candle in your home.  Whenever the candle catches your eye, pray for peace in your home.
• Second is to play soft music. Focus on using peaceful words and relationships.

I’m excited for this week’s challenge.  I am trying to get more music and less TV in our home I have created a number of playlists on YouTube.  I have the Go Fish Guys for fun dance music for the kids.  I have the two pianists suggested on the Women Living Well blog and another of contemporary praise and worship.

And now for the harder stuff. . . .

1. When you feel tempted to raise your voice, use a child's name in a snarl, furrow your brow into a scowl or speak rapidly in anger...purposely lower your voice to just above a whisper. Proverbs 15:1 says "A gentle answer turns away wrath but a harsh word stirs up anger." Focus on gentle words, facial expressions, and touches.

2. Purpose to not let someone else's anger make you angry. Many times as a wife and mom I find myself responding to other's emotions. Someone in the family is grumpy and two minutes later I'm grumpy too. Someone in the family is speaking harshly and two minutes later I'm speaking harshly too. Purpose to stay in control of your emotions and not let the other members of your family dictate your mood.

3. Yelling at a bud won't make it bloom. Your home will not blossom into a haven if you are not controlling your temper.

4. Continue to pray for peace in your home. Persevere in prayer for your family. James 5:16b says, "The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective."

                                                                                         from Women Living Well

Now I’m gonna take these things and write them down to post them where I can see them.  I need this reminder.  My house is not peaceful most days.  There is a lot of anger and it is not pretty!  I have to work  on this anger.  There was a church service a couple weeks ago when the pastor asked us what we had to lay at the cross.  What you are about to read -  I don’t say things like this often; I hate to over spiritualize things.  I know God told me that He wanted me to lay my anger down.  It was as clear as . . . .I don’t know what, but I’m sure you know what I mean.  This challenge to create peace in my home could not have come at a more perfect time.  But then again, we know that God’s timing is perfect.

 

Still diggin',