Learning on Harris Acres Homestead: What I Learned This Week.

Author's Note: Another long post. I used to only write really short posts. I hope my readers don't mind. lol. But then again, it's my blog. I write what I write and I'm not usually hurt, if you don't read. lol. If I blog without obligation, I guess I need to allow you to read without obligation!

After my online friend Am of Come Here Little Bug read through my blog the other day, I had a conversation with her via instant messenger. I learned a lot about me and about how some may view my blog. I’m still processing. Here’s a lot of the conversation:

A.S.: you know girlie ya gotta give yourself props...because even though you may be frustrated and feel like your sinking...and rightfully so, i think that you are doing better at handling things then most. there are things on your blog you post about and i think that i know i couldn't deal with

Me: really? it's just life. it's my life and I feel like my blog has been really whiny lately. do you get a negative feel? I don't wanna be all negative.

A.S.: i don't think i would call it negative. i think you're really hard on yourself

Me: i am at times.

A.S.: im reading your post on CONTROL and i really think you threw yourself under the bus

Me: going to read it again.

(yes, I needed to go back and re-read what I wrote, because I didn’t remember.)

Me: back. that's just real. what I'm feeling and thinking. I still feel that way. that post.

A.S.: that posts makes me sad

Me: tell me why.

A.S.: do you think you may have some post-pardum depression

Me: yes.

(Short break in the convo for me to go make coffee)

Me: now tell me more of your thoughts. I've had the ppd mentioned a couple of times. and I'm trying to get on top of it with nutrition, sleep and water and such.

A.S.: is medicating an option?

Me: not at this point. J and I both feel it is controllable right now. I've spoken with a midwife (she’s still in training, but someone I respect who has done tonnes of research) about it and she agreed.

A.S.: have you considered just natural every day vitamins, like b-complex and st johns wart?

Me: ugh. yes. i need to get back on taking B and getting outside to get D. i have them in the cupboard. I just forget. Going to take them now.

(yep, another break to take vitamins)

A.S.: st johns is supposed to be good for the mood. lemme know when your back i'll tell ya what ive been thinking

Me: k, go

A.S.: you take too much blame!

Me: k

A.S.: not everything is your fault

Me: nope. i agree. but i can only change me.

A.S.: resentment and anger can be related to the depression and feeling overwhelmed and you need support and encouragement not to feel down on yourself

Me: yes

A.S.: i hope that J has tried to encourage your not to feel that way

Me: yes. he is extremely supportive. he helps out with the housework and the kids.

A.S.: do either of you have parents close by?

Me: no. but what are you thinking? Mine are 8 hours away and his are 4 full days of driving.

A.S.: i think that you could greatly benefit from someone coming to spend a couple days or a week or some of the kids going to spend a week and just giving you some true RELIEF, giving you time to catch up on things, giving you time to find LaDonna. no expectations. my child usually goes to my moms one day on the weekend and i need that day desperately

Me: i've been thinking along those lines as well. I'm nervous to do it. (This would be a huge step for me and for J. We love to have our kids close. So very rarely do they go anywhere else. We will leave them for the day somewhere or get a sitter for the evening, but I can probably count on one hand the times they’ve been away over night.)

A.S.: i really believe you need to do it. maybe develop a better system with things around the house. not feeling so down on yourself when things don't get done. don't get me wrong, i feel disappointed in myself at times when things fall way behind, but there are times when i have to remind myself...it doesn't matter...if it didn't get done today it will still be there tomorrow and my life or self-worth isn't measured by that. i think if things feel like less of chore...when you don't feel like its something you HAVE to do but something you WANT to do, its much easier

Me: for sure. today I wanted to get things done. wasn't a chore and I've done 5 loads of laundry. It is an attitude. but sometimes it is more than that - the ppd.

A.S.: is there some chores you could divide up with the kids. like sorting laundry. if it's hard for them to figure it out, post colors on the wall like. red, blue, green black. they have to put all the clothes that are that color in front of that sign. anything white, beige, grey can go in front of another sign

Me: lol. we used to, sometimes do that kind of thing. i never thought about the colors on the wall though! good idea.

A.S.: instead of you being responsible for all of the dishes at the end of a meal everyone who is capable is responsible for their personal, fork spoon bowl etc. and that only leaves mom with pans, her plate and stuff the babies

Me: the kids totally clear and stack everything. i only have to do the dishes, not the clearing or wiping or scraping.

A.S.: if they have a hard time folding laundry, maybe hangers would be an option

Me: i fold, they put away. i only put away baby's (sometimes), and mine. J does his.

A.S.: well i hate folding LOL

Me: I do all these things. OR rather, when I do them, I don't feel like I have been feeling. I've been letting the kids play or watch tv too much.

A.S.: i just think if you can find ways to cut corners and still have things get done it would help...just like i mention with the hangers

A.S.: you can have the cleanest house in Canada and if you're down on yourself it isn't going to matter

Me: yes

A.S.: and it doesn't matter how messy your house is if you don't let it get ya down

Me: well. . . . there is a point. Lol. but mine isn't to that point.

A.S.: you know what i mean...those things shouldn't define us

Me: yes. ok, time to make supper. thank you for your thoughts.

A.S.: what can i say im over opinionated lol

Me: lol

So, what did I learn?

At times, I am my own worst enemy.
My dh and my friends think alike, because he tells me a lot of the same things that Am did!
I need to parent continuously.
Maybe I need a break, a real break.
Maybe I just need to use the tools and the skills that I have.
I can be hard on myself.
I need to remember to take care of myself, because if I don’t, I can’t take care of those given to me.
Life has piled up on me. I’m not giving things back to God and instead I worry and I fume. (Yep, taking the “blame” again, but it’s something I struggle with, and so I mention it.)

Do I agree with everything Am said? Nope. Does that hurt her feelings? I doubt it. She cares. She felt heard. I didn’t just brush her off. I needed to hear what she had to say. Now I process. And I come out of this a better, more in control person. A better wife and mom and daughter and friend.