Nine Plus Nine

I have slowly been coming to a realization.  After 7 pregnancies.  Adjusting to a new baby takes a long time.

 

An expectant mother is expecting for approximately 9 months.  Her body goes through many many changes – hormonal, emotional, physical, relational, and more.

 

And then there is the labor and delivery.  More changes.

 

The baby arrives and the family changes.  Mom’s body needs to recover from the pregnancy changes; there are many post-partum issues that can possibly arise as well.

 

I never made a connection until the last couple of pregnancies that on average, in my experience, it takes 9  months to make a baby, and 9 months to adjust to that baby after it arrives.  That’s a year and a half of “upheaval” in the life of a family.  The first four pregnancies I experienced were really a blur.  Kristyn and Cora came very close together with Kristyn being only a year old when Cora arrived.  Cora was just barely 8 months old when Harvey was conceived.  And then the years of grief after his death shadowed Marrissa’s birth. 

 

By the time Wyatt was on the way, I was beginning to realize that I needed to give myself time to rest and recover after the birth of a baby.  I remember hardly moving off the couch for the first week or so, after Wyatt’s birth.  After Rayna, I stayed on the couch a little longer.  After Matthias, I spent most of the first 6 weeks on the couch!  I am better for it, I know.

 

Matthias is now almost 8 months old.  I feel my old self coming back.  I have energy again.  I am keeping up better with the house work.  I can’t wait for spring to go walking again.  I am baking bread and looking forward to gardening with Jason and putting that produce away for our family to use come next winter.

 

Yesterday, I made six loaves of bread, kept the dishes caught up, did 5 or 6 loads of laundry, made meals, bathed children, swept up, sorted and folded clean laundry, took the dog out to do his business.  A lot of this is regular day to day stuff and needs to be done regardless of how tired I am.  Until recently, some of these things went undone for days.

 

I am excited to, one, make the connection, and two, be back to myself again!

 

I guess my message to new and expectant moms is give yourselves a break!  And 18 month break.  Live in the season that is this new baby.  Love on your baby.  Allow the siblings to love on the baby.  If you homeschool, relax.  Your children will learn and there is nothing better than learning to be a family!  There is time for all the other stuff later.

Reminising: the thoughts of a new mom

I remember being newly married, pregnant, moving to a new community, far from family. I guess those years were hard now that I look back.

My train of thought was started by a Criminal Intent we started watching but quickly changed. The story appeared to be one of a mother in the very very depths of post-pardum psychosis. She's sitting in the bathtub, shaking. The two boys, one with a burn on his arm, are in the kitchen, trying to care for themselves and keep the water dripping from the ceiling (falling out of the bathtub upstairs) in buckets. The mother called to the older boy who cautiously went to her. And we changed the channel. I don't need to watch other mom's hurting their babies.

I have never hurt my kids, but I remember a time, after CJ was born, that I saw visions / images / ?? of myself throwing a child against the wall. CJ and K are 51 weeks apart. J was working 6 PM to 6 AM and sleeping during the day. I had no IRL friends in the community that I felt comfortable enough with, despite being in the community a year. I know some of my friends there now would be sad to hear that I felt that way, but that's the fact of the matter, at that time.

It was a crazy, scary time for me. Just the thought of what I would be / could be capable of was enough to scary me into action. I thought I was insane. I guess I felt crazy. I did get help in the moment - called J at work and talked to him as long as he could; got settled down - both me and the babies.

It was a crazy time for J too. I wasn't doing any housework; he would come home from his job(s) and have to make meals and do laundry so he had clothes to wear. We were even using cloth diapers. I was nursing both babies. I remember trying to do "school" with my one year old. I remember lots of Baby Einstein because it was the only way K would fall asleep on her own. We didn't have internet and only "peasant view" for tv. I do not know what I did with my time. Those years are very fuzzy.

Now I think, what was I thinking? About any of it. I guess I wasn't. It was hormones and depression. Years of experience, education and I don't know what has made me so much more aware of myself and my body. I know better what makes me tick. I've had a few more children now too. I've learned that I need to take more time to heal after a birth. I've learned that I pass out every time. I've learned that I struggle with ppd, before the baby even gets here.



Striving to learn and live God's purposes,

Post Partum Depression

In the past few months since Baby R's birth and more just recently, the topic of PPD has come up. I thought I'd post this book excerpt I found that talks about this very important subject.

The author is Elizabeth Pantley, the author of the "No-Cry" series. You can get more information here. On that site, she is offering a giveaway. More details after the book excerpt.

Question
I know that it’s normal to have the “baby blues” right after you have a baby, but my son is six weeks old. I thought everything would be wonderful by now and I would be so in love with my baby. I thought mothering would come easily. It’s not that way at all! I can’t sleep, even when he’s sleeping. I feel hollow inside, like the real me is gone. Sometimes I cry for hours; other times, I feel angry enough to explode. Life feels like an endless amusement park ride, and sometimes I just want to get off. Why am I such a terrible mother?

Learn about it
You’re not a terrible mother! You are a mother who is suffering from a condition known as postpartum depression, a condition that is treatable. While as many as 80% of mothers experience a temporary and mild condition referred to as the baby blues, up to 15% of women have the more severe reaction you’re experiencing. Having PPD doesn’t mean that you have done something wrong, or that something is wrong with you; it is an illness and it can be cured. Once you learn more about what’s causing your despondent emotions and take some steps toward treatment, you’ll be on the road to finding yourself again and enjoying your baby.

What is postpartum depression?
PPD is a medical condition a specific type of depression that occurs within the first few months after childbirth. It is caused by the biochemical and hormonal changes that happen in the body after pregnancy and birth…nothing that is within your control.

What are the symptoms of postpartum depression?
While PPD affects all women differently, a few typical symptoms can help your physician make the diagnosis. You probably are not experiencing everything on the following list, and the degree of symptoms may range from mild to severe, but if a number of these apply to you, you may be suffering from PPD. Symptoms of postpartum depression may include but are not
limited to:

• Feeling hopeless, worthless or inadequate
• Frequent crying or tearfulness
• Insomnia or sleepiness
• Lack of energy
• Loss of pleasure in activities you normally enjoy
• Difficulty doing typical daily chores
• Loss of appetite
• Feelings of sadness and despair
• Feelings of guilt, panic or confusion
• Feelings of anger or anxiety
• Extreme mood swings
• Memory loss
• Over concern for baby
• Fear of “losing control”
• Lack of interest in sex
• Worrying that you may hurt your baby
• A desire to escape from your baby or your family
• Withdrawal from social circles and routines
• Thoughts about hurting yourself

If you suffer from extreme degrees of any of these symptoms, particularly thoughts about hurting yourself or your baby, or if you have additional physical symptoms such as hallucinations, confusion or paranoia, then please call a doctor today. NOW. Your condition requires immediate medical care. If you can’t make the call, then please talk to your partner, your mother or father, a sibling or close friend and ask them to help you arrange for help. Do this for yourself and for your baby. If you can’t talk about it, rip this page out and hand it to someone close to you. It’s that important. You do not have to feel this way.

What can a doctor do about postpartum depression?
As with any form of depression, help is available and only as far away as your healthcare provider contact your ob/gyn or midwife to start with, if that’s most comfortable for you. She can help you get the professional care you need from someone who has experience dealing with this condition. In the longer term, it’s important that your therapy take place with a professional who has experience in treating PPD; the malady is different from other forms of depression, and it is very specifically related to your role as a new mother.

A visit to a doctor for the symptoms you’re feeling is nothing to fear. Your condition is something your doctor has seen before so you need not feel at all self-conscious. As for treatment, there are a variety of options, depending on how severe your symptoms are. Your doctor will evaluate your condition and may suggest medication, such as antidepressants. (Make sure that you let him know if you are breastfeeding so that the proper medication can be prescribed.) In addition, he will tell you that therapy and support are critical for recovery.

What can I do about PPD?
The first step you can take is to understand that you have an illness that requires action on your part so you can heal. Forgive me for repeating this, but it is important: Take that first step and call a doctor. In addition, the following things can help you begin to feel better right away: Talk to someone. Whom do you trust? Whom do you feel comfortable talking to? This might be your spouse or partner, it might be your mother, your sister or brother or a friend. It can really help to share your feelings with someone who cares about you. Even if you feel you can’t talk specifically about PPD, just discuss your feelings and your new role as a mother and its effects on you.

Read books about baby care and parenting.
Knowledge is power. Reading may help you feel more confident, which in turn will help you feel more in control of your situation. It will also give you the knowledge you’ll need to ward off the unwanted advice or criticism that can come your way during the early months of parenting, and that can be especially hard to take when you are feeling depressed.

Join a support group.
PPD support groups allow mothers who are dealing with depression to talk with others who have similar feelings. A list at the end of this section can help you find a group in your area. You might also call your health care provider, your local hospital, or your church for information. While PPD support groups are an excellent choice, any group for new mothers in which you can share your feelings about motherhood can help you feel better about yourself. Choose your support group with care, as you’ll want to be around people who support your parenting decisions. Being with a group who criticizes or questions your mothering choices will make you feel worse, not better. Conversely, spending your time with like-minded people will boost your self-confidence and help you feel more confident as a mother. This idea shouldn’t be seen as a cure, but rather one part of the process of recovery.

Accept help from others.
If anyone offers to help you whether it is to take your baby for a walk, cook a meal, or drive your older kids to sports practice accept! Learn to say yes. You don’t have to do everything to be a good mother. It’s natural for human beings to lean on each other, so go ahead and do a little more leaning.

Get some extra sleep.
Put your efforts to get your baby to sleep through the night on hold right now; this will come in time. Forget about the clock. Just sleep both of you whenever you can. Extra sleep will help you feel better.

Relax your standards.
This is not the time to worry about a spotless house, gourmet meals, the corporate ladder, or your manicure. Try to stick to the basics and concentrate on yourself and your baby.

Get some fresh air.
When possible, put your baby in the sling or the stroller and take a walk. The exercise and open spaces will help you feel more energized. Try to work a daily stroll into your schedule. If you have older children, walk them to school. If the weather isn’t suitable for outdoor walking, then drive to a shopping mall for an indoor walk.

Feed yourself healthy foods.
You can eat properly without much effort. Focus on fresh fruits and vegetables, and simple but nutritious meals. And eat frequently. Going long stretches without food wreaks havoc on your system. Simple snacks like an apple with peanut butter, a bagel, or yogurt with cottage cheese are easy to prepare and prevent your blood sugar from dipping and adding to your feelings of depression. Continue to take vitamins, and drink plenty of water. Love yourself. You are going to be okay. Take it one step at a time…but do take steps (such as those outlined in this section). With help and time, you’ll develop a refreshing and healthy outlook on your new role as a mother.

For more information

Books
This Isn’t What I Expected: Overcoming Postpartum Depression, by
Karen Kleiman and Valerie Davis Raskin (Bantam Books, 1994)

Beyond The Blues: Prenatal and Postpartum Depression,
A Treatment Manual by Shoshana Bennett and Pec Indman
(Moodswings Press, 2002)

The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep
Through the Night: By Elizabeth Pantley (McGraw-Hill, 2002)

Web sites
Pacific Post Partum Support Society
www.postpartum.org

Depression After Delivery, Inc.
www.depressionafterdelivery.com

To locate a support group
Postpartum Support International
www.chss.iup.edu/postpartum

Postpartum Education for Parents
www.sbpep.org

La Leche League Support Groups
www.lalecheleague.org/WebIndex.html

This article is a copyrighted excerpt from Gentle Baby Care by
Elizabeth Pantley. (McGraw-Hill, 2003)

TWO people will each win a full set of five No-Cry Solution books – autographed!

You can keep them for yourself, give them to a friend, or hold your own give-away contests on your blog or website!

The No-Cry Nap Solution *NEW*

The No-Cry Sleep Solution (for babies)

The No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers & Preschoolers

The No-Cry Discipline Solution

The No-Cry Potty Training Solution

HOW TO ENTER:

Choose a line or two, or a complete except from any of my books. (Lots of excerpts on my website - take what you want!)

Quote it on your blog, website, newsletter, or Facebook page.

~ Include the title and author, PLEASE. ~

Send me the link to: elizabeth@pantley.com

That’s all ~ you’re entered!

Winners to be chosen at random on July 15, 2009.

See my website home page for a list of lucky past winners. http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth

Hugs,

Elizabeth~^*

I hope I win! Why don't you enter and get a chance too!